Wednesday 21 September 2016

That Mr Tumble....he has death in his eyes


So this is going to be pretty no holding back on my behalf. Thoughts straight from my inner self. I am going to lose some of you along the way, I am ok with this. It has to be this way. Unless you are Mr Tumble and you basically want to sue me for making defamatory statements, in which case I take it all back and this was all written by Hector!

This is my actual appraisal of CBeebies. I have had close to 5 years intensive research. In a passive aggressive fashion, I haven't really had much choice over feeling the way I do about a lot of this. I thought that my time, my CBeebies sentence was over. But now Evelyn has taken interest, and the whole terrible cycle of viewing has commenced. I am aware that the TV could just be turned off, I could climb up to the highest shelf in the house and get the play doh down, I could go along to some mums groups (shudders), or crack on with some dreadful messy play. (I am kidding obviously about the messy play, that is never going to happen!)

The main offending lineup......

Bing. Most common to be brought up in a Mum rant. My main concerns are, what is Flop? Where are  Bing's parents? Why does he not dropkick Bing? Why do these 'kids' all have carers? Where are all of the parents gone? Did Bing kill them all? Have they merely all run away, unable to live this life. My other main problem with Bing, is whilst Rufus watches this, he somehow morphs into Bing! The same whining, irritating tone. 'its a Bing thing', no your child is just being a little shit, tell him/her to snap out of it immediately.

Show me, Show me. More specifically the presenters. Chris and Poi. See the boys never watched this, but Evelyn seems drawn in, so my views are still fresh and less imbedded. I like to imagine that these two actually despise each other. In every alternate breath they are uttering depraved insults at the other. When the camera cuts, Chris trips Poi over, and she manages to (like the little ninja she is) get in a swift upper cut to the balls.

Mr Tumble/Justin the franchise. How is this guy even allowed near children. He is creepy at best. Potentially wanted in various eastern countries.

Mr Maker. Now I have daily eyebrow paranoia, but this mans face though! Definitely goes under the name Julie at the weekend. His eyebrows are plucked within an inch of their life. I imagine a regular manicure too. Also on a side note, how has CBeebies got the budget to send him all over the world to show children everywhere how to make a rocket out of a tampon?

Topsy and Tim. Two children I would never ever want my children to hang out with. Also Eastenders Mum needs to get a grip and stop being so bloody chipper about everything. Why can't she just roll her eyes once, just once, when she is requested for the thousandth time to entertain her children.

Get well soon. Not so much Doctor Ranj, who is on closer inspection literally tiny!? I can get past this. I can also get past that the 'children' he helps are weird yellow puppets with disproportionately large heads. It it his sidekick, Nurse Morag who offends me. I think she is supposed to come across as bubbly, helpful and caring. to me she comes across as conceited, self-assured and sanctimonious. Aha, the joke is on you Nurse! You don't know everything! You are advising weird bobble headed puppets, they don't have health needs!

Grandpa in my pocket! I mean, who at CBeebies towers thought this was a good title for a kids show!? Wrong

Mr Bloom. His swagger, his talk out of the side of his mouth 'northerness', his interest in weird puppet vegetables, and his inability to maintain eye contact don't sit well with me. I think that I read somewhere that he isn't even from the north? Also that he was going to be on Hollyoaks? Also, perhaps more worryingly, a lot of Mums seem to fancy him?

So to conclude, most of these programmes (and others) really follow a pretty annoying motif. Whether it be Thomas, or Mike the Knight, or Chuggington they just do not listen. They have a task, they don't listen to what they are told to do, they fuck it up, then they have to get all their friends to drop everything they are doing to help them. Then at the end they get patted on the back and told how good they are! It is NO WONDER that children everywhere are the way they are!

I am hopeful that Evelyn's interest may dwindle, mostly because Hector has learnt how to use the remote to its full usage. Mostly, the voice command function which means he can ALWAYS access youtube Kinder Egg, Tinkerbell toy, playdoh, Transformers. And there is nothing wrong or weird about that tv is there?

And from the kitchen I can be generally heard humming 'Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat,  is a great big twa.......'