The definition of....mum wanker

I thought it best to give a clear, defined description of what I consider to be a mum wanker. See, I'm not just simply calling other mum's rude names (I would chose most probably much ruder, if I was to) it so much more than that.

It can be referenced in a playful way, along the lines of  'bus wankers'. For those occasions where you just want to point out that a fellow mum is being a bit of a twat.

Other than that, on a more serious inclination, the mum wankers mostly lounge about in soft playgroups. Always in a group - strength in numbers.  At their most deadly they specifically dwell in a child song session or a sensory outlet. They know all the words, actions, sign language hand gestures to the songs. I know all the basics but struggle beyond Old Macdonald. I patted myself on the back once for my ingenious extra line to 'The Wheels on the Bus' (the Daddies on the bus are off for a beer, off for a beer, off for a beer - hand motion was gesticulating downing a pint!) These women, usually have the younger children, ones that don't answer back yet, and sit where they've been plonked and don't have to be chased around the room every second of the session. They are judgemental, often outspoken, and generally not ones to go near. They won't have your back if your child makes contact with their child's head with a plastic figure (it happens, it doesn't mean my child will turn into a serial killer). They LOVE craft and messy play, like overly so.. Somehow when they say their little ones name it is sort of sung in a mezzo soprano tone. They are competitive, ridiculously so (their child will have always slept through, they crawled at 3 months,  they spoke at 5 months, only organic, maybe a fashionable dietary requirement thrown in for good measure, and whatever else ridiculous claims they make) They basically want to make themselves look and feel better about themselves. Unable to accept that motherhood is hard and sometimes unrewarding and sometimes we all mess up. Our children will on the whole just do what they are going to do, whenever they want to do it. We shouldn't have to pretend to have it all locked down and perfect.

See what these mum wankers need to realise is that, it is all just bollocks some days. They are holding up an absolute facade of themselves that really, even though may make us non mum wankers feel a bit shit about ourselves sometimes, one day they are going fall flat on their mum wanker faces.